On the day of Luke's funeral, I did my best to keep my head up and not cry. I didn't want anyone to worry about me or be more distraught from seeing me break down, especially my kids. I know, "It doesn't matter", but it did to me. I had done a good job until we got to the cemetery, and they uncovered the hole in the ground where I would leave my son. It was so small; just right for his small white casket. It was all I could do to stay. I wanted to run away, or maybe climb in the hole with him. As he was lowered down, I couldn't watch. I was ashamed I lost control and buried my face in my hands. As I let go of my emotions, I could hear the sobbing behind me increase. "This is why I didn't want to cry. Everyone is going to pity me. The kids are watching. They can't see me like this, but I just can't get it together. No, yes, I can." I began to lift my head up. Jeremy grabbed a shovel he'd brought along. This was his idea; he would later tell me he loved this, and it was important to him. But I should've kept my head down. The sight and sound of watching my husband literally bury his son was too much. His actions were so tense, so angry, so unlike him. My heart broke into a million pieces for him - for us. I put my head back down. As Pastor Helwig said a final prayer, I felt all of my emotions leave me. I felt nothing but cold. The sun hadn't dared to come out since Luke died, and it rained off and on. All of a sudden, it felt like the sun was coming out. I saw the light and felt the warmth over my shoulders! I thought how wonderful it would be to just see the sunshine. I found the strength to lift my head back up, but when I did, it was as cloudy as it ever was. Dense, dark, low rain clouds with not a single break in them. That's too bad, I thought. But that light and the warmth. It was so real! Then it occurred to me - it was! It was God - an angel, or maybe Luke himself! I couldn't help but smile. "Thank you, God. I know he's safe with you now."
When the clouds break, and the sun is revealed even for only a few seconds, I know it's Luke smiling down on me, God reassuring me. I've never spent a lot of time looking at the sky, but it is so beautiful to me now. I've never seen sunsets like I've seen in the last two months. I think of how amazing the sun and sky and stars are. The whole world has changed so much since Jesus lived here, so much since Moses and David and Solomon were on Earth. But not the sun, sky, and stars. It's amazing to think about seeing the same stars Jesus saw. The same beautiful sunsets that would've taken Moses' breath away. The same sun that rose to reveal an empty tomb that Jesus ascended from shines down on me to comfort and warm my soul. Heaven isn't as far away as it seems. And God shows me He cares about me when He parts some clouds in Omaha, Nebraska. Some of God's greatest miracles are the ones we don't ask for that we didn't know we needed.
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