Thanks

Yesterday was Stacey's first "half birthday"!  Six months old already.  That marks two weeks more with Stacey than I got to spend with Luke.  Five months, fourteen days.  It's difficult not to draw these types of comparisons for a number of reasons - love, fear, grief, blessedness, joy, sadness, hurt, happiness.  I've realized one isn't there without the other.  It hurts to know that from this point on, these are all of the moments we missed with Luke.  But, conversely, we are so overjoyed that we get to experience each day given with Stacey.  It's hard to hold her, especially when she's sleeping, and not be taken back to the last times I held Luke, when I had to pick him up, not out of his crib but out of a cold coffin, into my arms.  I had to make myself.  I didn't want to remember him like that, but I also didn't want to not take the opportunity to show him my love one more time.  I knew that he wasn't there, and knew where he was, so I did it.  I remember willing God for a Lazarus-type miracle - waiting for him to miraculously wake up.  That didn't happen.  But in that gloomy, fluorescent-lit mortuary visiting room was one of the times I truly felt God's physical presence.  It was a culmination of those close and even not so close praying over us, and a gracious God coming to give us peace.  Jeremy and I both felt it.  It was what some people would call "closure", but more than that, it was God.  It was his presence.  It being the Easter, and then almost Pentecostal season, I find all the more joy in sharing this.  God never said "Believe, and nothing bad or tough will ever happen in your life."  His Word says, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10.  Jesus himself at the resurrection said "..And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." (Matthew 28:20) Not "sometimes".  Not "occasionally".  Not "when it's convenient".  Always.   

So, the question isn't "Where is God when I need Him?" Or, "Why didn't God help me?"  It should be, "How was/am I not seeing God and His grace in this situation?" And, "What am I missing? Not God, but me?"  He's here and was there - that we're assured of.  If I can't feel Him blessing me, in all situations, then I am the one who has the problem, not God.  

It's tough, nowadays, even letting Stacey sleep through the night, or letting myself sleep at night.  Every time I wake up in the night, I wake with panic and grab for my phone before checking on Stacey.  I unlock my phone, ready to call 911 when I find her as I found Luke.  I can breathe again when I reach in her crib, put my hand on her chest and feel her breathing, heart beating still.  And every time, I stand over her crib and say "Thank you, God!  Thank you for another moment with her."  I then go around to the other kids' and do the same thing.  Each time, I thank God for allowing me another day with each of them.  I suppose it's truly because I'm selfish and want them here with me to enjoy, but just like Luke I know I'd be with them again.  I know they'd be in good hands if they aren't in mine, but I appreciate God's provision of getting to experience love firsthand everyday still.  

This is how God's blessing me.  Always.  Every moment of everyday.  Children, husband, friends, family, home, freedom, heart of faith, our church home and family, health, ability to work, safe community.. I could go on and on.  All of the things we take for granted that others in the world aren't so blessed to have - water, electricity, grocery stores, phones, indoor plumbing and air conditioning!  God isn't complicated.  He doesn't have ulterior motives.  He simply loves us all.  He sent His son to die for us.  Wasn't that enough?  Absolutely!  But that doesn't stop Him from still pouring out His blessings on us all day long.  So all I have to say is "Thank you, God.  I am blessed."  What else do I need to say?

What Would Jesus Do?

A couple of weeks ago, Facebook brought to my attention that it had been one year since my first post.  I hate reading my own writing, but I decided to revisit the place where I was a year ago.  It feels like so much longer.  So much hurt and healing, pain and love, choice and change has happened in just one year.  I have been changed.  Wow!  I read and remember the overwhelming fear I had to write those words.  I was scared most to be judged by my own words and have them used against me – and that is exactly what happened this year by family and friends alike.  I’ve experienced some serious hurt over these words to be heaped onto my already grieving heart.  But, in that hurt, I have been blessed to explore even deeper depths of my faith and trust in God, and I’ve seen it change my life.  I no longer fear my own faith like I did a year ago.  I don’t worry if it would offend someone because there is nothing offensive about Jesus, and I can put all of my trust in that and live in peace with what I will experience in this world for His sake.  But that place of fear and worry was real for me, so this is for those who are where I was then.  This is for people who identify as Christians but want to “fit in” with a corrupt world and immoral society. 

Back in the 90’s when I was growing up, “WWJD” bracelets were popular.  I remember I didn’t really get it.  What would Jesus do?  Well, how would I know what he would do?  I remember a friend at school explaining that it was supposed to remind them right from wrong.  Truthfully, it isn’t any more complicated than that.  This concept is so simple for children to understand and as we get older, we try to manipulate our knowledge of what Jesus would do and not do.  We want to put Jesus in the corner while we live in the world and do what we would do.  We end up seeking and needing so much love and acceptance from the tangible things of the earth – be it people, objects, money, recognition – that we fear losing or not having them.  But these things are in direct contrast with what God wants for us.  He wants us to rely on Him, trust in Him, love Him wholly. 

Do not love the world or anything in the world.  If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.  For everything in the world – the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does – comes not from the Father but from the world.  The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever. 1 John 2:15-17

Then, and only then, can we experience and understand peace and joy without fear or worry on earth.  To believe in Jesus is to acknowledge His perfection and to strive to be like him in all ways and at all times – not just when it fits our own motives.  Even though we fail, the struggle brings us closer to Jesus as we see our need for a Savior and obtain a greater appreciation and reverence for what He did and continues to do for us.  If we are to believe at all, then for every situation, circumstance, or decision we should lead with: What would Jesus do?  As we ponder that answer, it’s important to not only see the Jesus on pop culture t-shirts with the caption “Jesus is my homeboy” (you know the one!).  If you need a “homeboy”, Jesus surely will be your best friend.  But, it’s equally important to remember how Jesus is coming back again - coming in glory to judge – so let’s be honest.  Yes, he loves us.  And, yes, we’re forgiven.  But can we take a minute to look at ourselves through his eyes? Isn’t it more than a little rude to manipulate or change his words and actions and even undermine the intent in his life and death on the cross?  If you believe in him enough to accept forgiveness of your sins and to expect he carry you home to Heaven, then why not trust his perspective on the “little” things?  Should I go to church every week and bring my children?  Should I make more time and put in more effort to study God’s word?  And for social and political issues: Should abortion – the killing of God-created life - be illegal?  Since it’s a huge election year: Is it important to vote for someone who shares the same religious views – someone who respects and knows Jesus as their Savior and is humble before God – above all other things?  You can’t know exactly what is in one’s heart, but you can get a pretty good idea from their words and actions, and this should be a good place to start.  I mean, if God is #1 in your life, does it matter if you elect a leader who isn’t willing to protect you and your children from suffering for His Name?  Does nothing else matter if your candidate has never and will never ask him/herself, “What would Jesus do?”  Additionally, should I have to compromise my relationship with God to maintain my relationships with the world?  Should I worry less about what others think and more about what Jesus thinks?  And, finally, should I be scared of others judging me, especially for my faith? 

I have read this plenty of times before, but now I truly get it!

Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.  For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it.  What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?  Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?  If anyone is ashamed of me and my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, the Son of Man will be ashamed of him when he comes in his Father’s glory with the holy angels.”  Mark 8:34-38

So, I will repeat, just like last year, I am still not perfect.  I haven’t been and won’t be, but unlike a year ago, I make no apologies.  I’m not sorry for what I believe.  I’m not sorry that by the grace of God what carries me through each day without Luke’s presence is that I’ll see him again.  I’m also not sorry for wanting and wishing that for others.  I won’t apologize for Jesus saving my life and wanting to share that with everyone around me.  I thought where I was a year ago I had peace with God but was still afraid.  Now I can see where I stand now - unapologetically, fearlessly, lovingly, confidently in love with Jesus.  Now I’ve found peace and joy and true happiness.  It’s taken me almost three decades to get to this place so consider yourself blessed if it didn’t take you that long.  But if you haven’t given your whole life over to living in the light, you are also blessed that Jesus loves you still, right where you are!  It’s just up to you how you’ll respond – with faith or with fear – but I know what Jesus would do!

Love

Last week I was reflecting on all of the things I am thankful for.  I realized that I am most grateful for the things I find myself easily taking for granted– food to eat, clothes to wear, house to clean, and kids to love.  Ultimately, all of these blessings come from the grace of God.  But, for me personally, they come from the one I usually take most for granted, the one who gives the most and takes the least – my gracious husband, Jeremy.  As we celebrated our anniversary this week, I am even more overwhelmed with appreciation as I recognize I couldn’t and wouldn’t have gotten through the last year without him.  The only other who has been through exactly what I have.  One year ago from today, I remember so well how content I felt.  There was nothing I wanted more than the things I had.  I remember it because it’s the feeling I’ve spent the last year trying to feel again.  This year has had the lowest of lows as I’ve searched for and questioned my purpose in this life.  There have been days my heart feels so broken I wasn’t sure if I could ever be happy again.  But, looking back now, it showed me what true happiness and contentedness is made of.  I see now the feeling I was looking to feel again was simply love. 

I used to always question Paul’s assertion in 1 Corinthians 13:13 about love being the greatest.  I thought that love is great and all, but faith is most important.  He says, “If I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.” Why is that, though?  If you have to have faith in Jesus to enter heaven, then why and how is that not the greatest?  This year I finally got it. 

“For God so LOVED the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” 

There it is.  Belief in the gospel of Jesus Christ is centered on both our need for a Savior and God’s want to save us.  But why did God want to save us?  Because He loves us.  In John 3:16 Jesus tells us that.  Love is a word that gets watered down more often than not.  We use the word “love” in as many contexts as we use the word “hate”, which is sad.  I love cheeseburgers.  I hate that color.  I love this weather.  I hate this traffic.  And so on and so on.  Love and hate are extremes, but most all people use them in a passive sense.  It’s just another way to describe something.  So when we talk about God loving the world and sending his only Son, the idea seems just as vague as our love of food or weather or whatever.  But God’s love isn’t that superficial.  It isn’t a description.  And to understand this love is why God blesses us.  I wouldn’t be able to fully understand it if I didn’t have, first, my husband, second, my kids, and then everything else.  God shows me firsthand, presently, what love is through my marriage.  I will learn more about what grace is from this man than anything else, I’m sure.  Back to 1 Corinthians 13 – a few years ago, I used to have this written on my bathroom mirror and would try to read it with my name in place of the word “love”, because that is who and how I want to be.  I wanted to be love and show love.  After a few months of struggling with it, I finally erased it.  I just couldn’t be all of those things and decided to just focus on one word at a time.  Patience.  Perseverance.  Humility.  Calm.  Who could be all of those things at once? 

“Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails.”

When I read it again this year, I heard it describing two people in my life now.  First, the obvious one, Jesus, of course.  The less obvious one that I’d never noticed before – my husband.  I get to enjoy so many things because of him.  I am warm and dry in a home he provides for us.  I get to spend every second of every day at home with our kids while he goes to work.  I can feel safe – emotionally and physically – with him.  I have a best friend I get to live with, share my day with, to laugh and cry with, to just be with.  He’s the most wonderful, faithful father to our children.  Nothing melts my heart like hearing him say bedtime prayers with them.  I could never be all of those things, but he loves me anyway.  Today, I can unequivocally say he is the type of man I want my daughters to marry someday.  I hope they, and everyone else, gets to experience this kind of love in their life, so they can translate it to their faith in God.   I can know our marriage, although it isn’t perfect and never will be, is the biggest blessing in my life because it is how God is with me everyday, showering me with love and grace.  I can understand exactly why God would send his Son to save the world.  Because of love - this kind of love!  I hope that no matter what happens – good or bad, easy or hard, happy or sad, life or death – God continues to bless our marriage and our life and our family we’ve created together.  So what am I thankful for?  Love.

Happy anniversary, Jeremy.  Thanks for loving me through this year and never giving up on me, even when I gave up on myself.

Six months

Six months

Yesterday marked six months without my baby, and two weeks until his first birthday.  Yes, that means he’s been in Heaven now longer than he was in my arms.  It’s been one week without my grandpa.  Needless to say, it’s been a heart-wrenching year. 

I realize it’s been over two months now since I’ve written anything, so I figured I’d give an update, hard as it may be right now.  I now see that the first three months after Luke left us, the Lord spent showing me the heights of my strength, and my heart responded.  I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised, as this is something God had prepared me for, but the last three months this world and the devil have shown me the depths of my weaknesses.  When I wrote the first couple of posts, I was overwhelmed with fear.  I feared being at the center of the hate this world has for Christians – the same hate it had for Christ himself.  I feared becoming the target of anyone’s wrath for something that I wrote or believe.  But, I knew that meant I was right where God wanted me to be.  The last few months, though, He has challenged me to dig deeper, to not be complacent with where I believed I was.  That’s the thing about falling in and being in love – you never have enough.  You never would say to your kids, “I’ve loved you enough today, I’ll check on you later.” So why do we expect God to do that with us?  And, it’s not a test; it’s a lesson.  I’ve been struggling through some difficult things, anxiety and extreme sadness.  Some days it feels like it, but I know it’s not an impossible thing to overcome.  I’m not sure I’m there yet.  But the sum of this lesson could be described with one word: humility.  When I am sad, I am learning to be humble.  Humble of everything.  It’s important to ask, “Why am I sad?”  And, if I’m being honest, generally, it’s because I am mourning something that wasn’t mine or that I didn’t deserve to begin with.  It’s because I’m not bringing myself low enough to see what I have to be happy about.  Material blessings, yes, but this applies to everything and anything I let fight for space in my time and life.  If God is really number one, and I am His, and He is mine, what else is there?  We want so much more for ourselves, and our expectations of others and ourselves always fall short.  I want to change the things I cannot change, instead of waiting for God to take control.  Or I let people hurt me who shouldn’t be in a position to hurt me to begin with and stir turmoil in my life and in my heart.  But what wounds can they create that God cannot heal?  I’m letting myself become a victim of the evil of this world instead of rejoicing in Christ and handing it over.  It hasn’t been and isn’t going to be easy, because I naturally want so much more for myself or even the things I had before including my life with Luke, but God wants me to be able to accept that I’m not living for my own will – and that’s a good thing. 

To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan, to torment me.  Three times, I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.  But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.  2 Corinthians 12:7-10

So for the last week, I’ve heard the question, “How are you doing?” over and over again.  I’m not sure the answer to that.  At first, I was in shock, but then I was surprised.  I was so sad and discontent before my grandpa passed and had emotionally been skimming the proverbial bottom that I thought I just couldn’t get any sadder.  I thought we’d just been through so much, I couldn’t even begin to process this new loss.  But what I’ve realized over the last week is that I do have a heightened sense of acceptance but not over what I thought it was.  I thought I had just learned to accept death and tragedy, and I have.  But what I’ve really accepted is that death on earth isn’t something to mourn.  We mourn for the people left here still but envy those who get to go before us.  Our loss is Heaven’s gain.  I couldn’t help but be jealous of my grandfather for getting to go up and be with Luke, and his daughter, and most of all Jesus, because that is where we all aspire to be. 

So it begs the question of what purpose am I supposed to fulfill today during my time here.  I know God’s answer, but that’s a difficult calling to answer everyday, but why?  Mostly because I am not Christ and am incapable of living a perfect life, and it’s hard to accept being a disappointment to God and to others and myself every single day.  So the answer brings me back to humility – to take away that prideful disappointment and replace it with Christ’s forgiveness and love.  That means evaluating our own relationship with Jesus instead of thinking we’re allowed to judge others’.  That means acknowledging no matter how great or not so great that relationship is that God wants more and His work in us will never be complete.

I stumbled upon this.  It is no coincidence that God wrote it better than I ever could:

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.  Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.  Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.  And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death – even death on a cross!  Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.  Philippians 2:1-11

So how am I doing?  I still miss Luke and my grandpa, but I don’t want to get to Heaven and have to tell them I spent my life being bitter, scorned and sad.  How selfish would that sound?  I want to tell them I lived a life that brought me closer to them everyday.  The road is narrow, but the path is clear.

A Reminder About Grieving

When you experience a loss, it’s amazing how people around you will open up and share their loss with you, also.  I found it encouraging knowing that other people had experienced horrific heartbreak and still found a way to get out of bed in the morning.  The downside to that was that, at the time, it put my grief into a weird, probably unhealthy perspective.  I couldn’t feel sorry for myself and grieve my loss, because, look around, everyone else had made it through.  Furthermore, if I’m truly trusting in God, which I was and still am, I thought, “What is there to be sad about?  I’m fine.”  One particularly meaningful conversation I had was with a friend.  She extended her hand through her own experience of losing her first husband.  I didn’t know, and I couldn’t imagine.  She offered her friendship and understanding as to how hard it is to grieve after everyone forgets and doesn’t understand how much you’re still hurting.  When she described the things people had done to her in the time following, I was horrified.  How could people be like that?  I’m glad I don’t have people in my life like that.  Silly me.

The first two months following Luke’s death I spent trying to be strong for everyone else and found strength in doing so.  The third month was when it became more difficult to deal with my emotions and I remember willing myself to grieve, but I just couldn’t.  In this month, now I’m tired, emotionally exhausted.  I want to lay in bed all day and do what I feel like would’ve been accepted by those around me if I did it in that first month, but now it’s met with bitterness and resentment.  At first, I remember thinking I didn’t want to be the person known for and remembered by my loss, but I guess I didn’t think it’d be those closest to us who would be the quickest to forget.  Now I know exactly what my friend was talking about.  While everyone else’s lives move on and stay the same, ours are still changed forever.  It’s astounding how quickly people are to cast their anger and aggression back in our direction.  And while they’re busy being upset about issues that are none of their business but all of mine, I am the one just trying to go through the motions.  We are the ones who awake every morning and see the crib where our son used to be, but now only his pictures and onesies remain.  We go to see him everyday at a cemetery – rain or shine.  We have spent more time trying to choose, arrange, and coordinate how, when, and where our headstone will be placed than anyone can imagine.  Seeing my name on a headstone was something I didn’t think I’d ever see, especially at the age of 27.  Just last night, I spent close to an hour on the phone with the cemetery director talking about our gravesites, sorting out a discrepancy on our ownership certificate, how that’s delaying our process, and going over the maintenance routine for Luke’s grave.  If that’s not depressing, I’m not sure what is.  All day and all night I fight back the memories of Luke.  No one knew him like I did.  While everyone else only knew him for five months, I carried him with me for over a year.  And then, every moment of every day I held him, fed him, changed him, and loved him.  Even though he couldn’t talk, I remember the way he looked at me with so much unconditional love in his eyes.  That day before – I wish I would’ve just spent the whole day cuddling with him and enjoying his precious smile.  If I could have that day back, what would we have done?  I would’ve made it last forever.  That cold December morning.  The sirens.  The ambulance ride to the hospital – the wrong hospital.  The way my heart broke when I heard them say we weren’t going to Children’s, just Lakeside.  Those calls to our family to tell them what had happened.  Haunting.  The mortuary.  The funeral.  Every moment after and in between.  Seeing friends post pictures of their babies who are the same age Luke would be.  Listening to my kids repeat day after day, night after night how much they miss their brother, how they wish they could go visit him.  

I do think eventually it will get easier, but today is not that day.  This year is probably not the year.  I do my best to still commit to things that call my name but know it isn’t easy.  And know that Jeremy and I would never use our son’s death in vain as an excuse to feel or act any particular way, so I wouldn’t expect it be for anyone else either.  People grieve in different ways and at different times, so just be nice.  That’s all I’m asking.  Don’t act selfishly and harshly towards the three things that are going to get me through this: my faith, my marriage, and my sanity.  To disrespect any of those things of anyone under any circumstances is low, let alone months, weeks, or mere days after a loss like this.  Those three things may not be perfect in my life, but the only ones I’ve invited into them are God, my husband, and myself.  No one else.  So today I’m asking God for patience to tolerate others’ behavior and actions towards us.  I’m asking Him to give me the strength to give grace and forgive, despite the fact that forgiveness will likely never be asked.  I’m handing it over because I can’t on my own.  My hardened heart and sinful nature have given me the right to not forgive.  I know that’s not right, and I trust that if I ask, God will allow me to forgive anyone.  But remember that memories of being hurt are especially hard, if not impossible, to forget.  I’m not calling anyone specific out.  I’m calling everyone out.  Everyone, even people who have been through this process, needs a reminder to treat people with kindness, respect, and empathy.  Everyone needs a call to stop with the jealousy, hate, gossip, and anger.  I think we give ourselves too much grace and others none.  We make excuses for behavior instead of changing it.  We think we can hide our true feelings and motives from God.  I ask my children and myself often, “If Jesus came back right now, is this how you’d want him to find your heart?” 

You Can't Take It With You

 Don’t we all think we’d be happier if we had a newer, bigger, better house or car or job?  Better backdrops for our highly staged, self-promoting Instagram and Facebook posts.  We define others and ourselves by the material things they or we have.  I was that person, and if I’m honest, I still am.  I never agreed with the term “Money can’t buy happiness.”  Okay..  But it sure makes life easier.  Of course I’d be happier in a bigger home and brand new car and a few trips somewhere south of the border.  Isn’t that why every other show on TV is giving away one of those things?  Because it makes people happy!  Isn’t that why that’s what floods our social media feeds?  Yes, those things are exciting blessings in our lives, but is that truly the reason we’re sharing them, publicly?  I wouldn’t call myself materialistic, but I think that the generation that I’ve grown up in has definitely affirmed the belief that “Money will absolutely buy happiness”.  I don’t think it’s sinful to graciously accept blessings of material comforts, but I do think it’s important to evaluate the real cost and compromise of these things.  Jesus said, “I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven.  Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” (Matthew 19:23-24)  Woah, last time I checked the size of a camel is not relevant to the size of an eye of a needle.  Most of the time I can't even get the thread through the eye of the needle.  Let me first say this, we are not rich, at least not by our society’s standards.  We live in a modest three-bedroom house, drive used cars, and have never been to Mexico.  But I also know that by the world’s standards, we are rich.  We own a home, with indoor plumbing, power at the flip of a switch and central air.  We own two reliable vehicles that are also equipped with air conditioning.  Our kids have so many toys that they have taken over every corner of every room of our said house and cars.  So much stuff!  Too much stuff!   I never realized just how much is too much, or where I cross the line to where blessings become a curse until Luke left us.  In those moments, I remember thinking I would’ve given everything I owned and anything I would ever own on this earth, in this life to have my son back.  I envisioned how grateful I’d be to sleep on a cot in a homeless shelter to have Luke back.  It didn’t seem right to me that my son’s life wasn’t up for sale.  We live in a world where everything has a price.  We are driven by the things of this world and not the matters of the world to come.  The world where nothing has a price and everything has been paid in full.  Think about this: Any other catastrophe in life besides death we solve with money, because everything else ultimately is replaceable.  The fact that I desperately thought it wasn’t fair to not be able to trade everything on this earth for my son back in my arms revealed something about myself, my life, and about my faith and trust in God.  It revealed how much I rely on myself to get through life and hardships, in particular.  I wanted to negotiate the situation, as if God needs my petty earthly possessions.  I needed to be in control and felt entitled to the power over God to question His decision to call Luke home.  But life and death are not up for sale, because life and death have already been conquered and are free.  When I finally sought God about this, which I should’ve done to begin with, the truth became clear that bartering the outcome wasn’t the answer – faith was.  But isn’t that the answer to everything?  Why am I so quick to answer my own call?  Why am I so eager to judge God’s plan for me?  No amount of money or control could’ve changed this outcome and it won’t change any future outcomes, but why does that still seem so unfair?  Because I haven’t humbled myself enough to feel blessed that I am not in control.  Because I ultimately haven’t accepted that the same Almighty God who created the world and everything in it wants me to remember to love Him most and first.

When I go to Heaven the only things I’ll take are my faith in Jesus and the grace God has given me.  Nothing else.  Not my purse, my phone, my jewelry, or even my most prized possessions – my kids and husband.  We will meet them when they get there, but they’re not coming with me.  Doesn’t that sum up how unimportant my material possessions are?  It broke my heart when the nurse at the hospital gave us back his pajamas – the ones I loved with the dinosaur feet – to take home with us.  I thought, What am I supposed to do with this now?  When we came home to see all of his toys and clothes and blankets were still in the same places, but he wasn’t.  All Luke took with him was that precious smile and God’s good grace; everything else belongs to this world.  And if God truly loved these things as we love these things as He loves us, would he not let us take them with us?  What I’m learning about the “rich man” Jesus spoke of is it’s important to differentiate between comforts God is blessing us with and possessions we bless ourselves with, and then consequently, the power those things hold over us.  Just as in Ephesians 2 God has shown us “incomparable riches of his grace” through Jesus, the world will show us incomparable riches of sin.  I believe that anyone blessed with more than riches of His mercy (everyone) is subject to being the rich man in the parable.  Even just life as we know it in America gives our egos power and control and more pride and self-righteousness than we know what to do with.  Yes, it’s true.  Money could make you very happy.  But money also can be in the leading role in almost every sin we commit.   The more or less of it we have the easier it becomes to fill our lives with things that distract us from our Purpose.  It’s most important to strive for possessing a strong, fruitful faith at least in the same way we strive for the other desires of our lives, because on that day even Warren Buffett won’t be able to buy his way into Heaven; his G6 can’t fly to God’s kingdom.

Whether I have a lot or a little on earth, I can choose to freely accept the riches of His grace and mercy.  I’m not going to lie, it’s much easier said than done, to humble myself to give up the power and control.  But I am reminded to surrender to God’s will and am strengthened with reassurance every night when I hear my own children recite the words “thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven”.

Words

Words have never meant so much to me.  They say actions speak louder than words, but here’s one for the little guy.  First of all, thank you to anyone even reading or caring about any words I write.  There’s a lot to read and not a lot of time, just ask me how many books I’ve managed to read in the last decade.  Second, thank you anyone for your kind and encouraging words for me in response to my words.  I’ll say again, I’m not a writer, preacher, or saint.  Not being any or all of those things makes me scared that I’m not the right person to write anything about faith in Jesus.  But, by trusting in Him, I think I’m doing okay.  No angry mob outside my house yet.

Ok, so, words.  I don’t think I’m the only one who struggles with words.  Whenever I would or have had conversations with anybody after Luke went up to Heaven, it was usually quickly followed with an apology text.  “Sorry if I said the wrong thing.”  No one had the words.  What words can you say to someone who can’t be helped?  It was like the pink elephant was in the house, even for me.  I didn’t know if it seemed self-pitying to wallow about him, but no one else wanted to bring it up and possibly send me spirally into an emotional abyss.  But then not talking about him just made that elephant bigger and pinker.  I thought I don’t want to be a downer by talking about my dead son or beat the horse about him being in Heaven.  But I don’t want them to think I don’t miss him or am just moving on with my life. I knew whomever I was talking to was thinking the exact same thing, and it was just awkward.  No one wanted to be insensitive, but I knew they were burning with questions, especially friends who are moms to young babies.  How?  Where?  When?  What did you do the day before?  Was he sick?  I know because I would’ve been thinking the exact same things.  This is a parent’s worst nightmare, and the fact that it could happen to baby Luke begged the question, “Could it happen to MY baby?”  Clearly, I don’t have the answer to that question.  I never thought it would happen to my baby.  But that’s the power of God’s will you don’t understand until you experience something that makes no sense that you cannot control.  Usually, that’s used in a negative context – a loss, a challenge.  But let’s give some credit to God’s Amazing Will!  It’s by His will that we have the things that we have – jobs, cars, kids, safety, food, everything.  It’s by His will that we are living and breathing.  But we only choose to acknowledge the power in that when something that wasn’t ours to begin with is taken away. 

Do not love the world or anything in the world.  If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.  For everything in the world – the cravings of sinful man, the lust of the eyes and the boasting of what he has and does – comes not from the Father but from the world.  The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever.   1 John 2:15-17

Couldn’t have said it better myself.  (Obviously.)  Doing the will of God, in actions, is great, clearly.  But speaking, hearing, and accepting God’s will is the work that needs to be done first.  That is where I am, and I see most people around me get stuck.  Words can be scary.  Are they the right words?  Am I sounding stupid for saying them?  What if someone misinterprets the words I’m trying to say?  I struggle with writing this because I worry about all of those things.  Stupid things really when we’re talking about the peace and comfort that God freely gives for us while we’re on this earth and the comfort He promises us when we leave this earth.  Isaiah 55:11 says, “So is my word that goes out from my mouth:  It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.”  That’s an important reminder for me.  So many times, I want to offer someone comfort by asking them to seek God, but I stop myself from doubting myself, which from this is clearly doubting God.  But when you speak Christ into someone’s heart, God makes it Loud and Clear! 

An example of this:  The day after Luke passed, a girl I went to school with who I am Facebook friends with messaged me.  We were never best friends, and I hadn’t seen her since high school.  She sent me back a message I had sent her three and a half years earlier.  I had seen she had a miscarriage and was praying for her.  I remember contemplating over sending the message.  I figured she’d think I was trying to be “holier than thou” and mock me.  It went something like, “God will never give you an obstacle that He won’t help see you through.”  I believed that to my core, so I went ahead and sent it.  At that time, she didn’t respond.  I went on with my life and figured I was right that I shouldn’t have sent it.  Keep your Godliness to yourself, I thought.  That Monday when I read her message we had just gotten home from picking out Luke’s tiny casket at the mortuary and choosing our gravesites at the cemetery.  Yes, I just watched my husband write a check for three adjacent gravesites.  I wasn’t exactly in the mood to talk to God, but what she said brought me to my knees.  She said that what I said was true and helped her through her difficult time and was hoping it would help me now.  Words.  They were just words.  They were words that I thought had come back empty.  Words I struggled to say.  That was God’s will.  His will for me sending them to her, and then in an almost literal way, returning to me NOT empty but full of His love and comfort.  It’s often the words we’re most afraid of saying that mean the most to someone else. 

Sometimes it’s the words we hear that come back full of His will.  A family member and I got into an argument of sorts about four years ago.  A close friend of his had passed away.  The argument was aimed at my faith.  It wasn’t hate-filled, and I guess you could call it a conversation where we were disagreeing.  I didn’t fully know but understood the place he was coming from.  He was sad.  It wasn’t fair.  He challenged that if God took away one of my children, or even both, I’d rethink my faith in Him, too.  I’ve talked to my husband about this conversation over the years a lot.  I’ve prayed for him a lot.  I’ve prayed over the state of his spiritual health for years now.  And then this.  Lo, God did take one of my children.  And, I did, in my darkest hours, rethink my faith in Him.  Jeremy has said he hopes he doesn’t remember saying those words to me now.  I hope he does.  I hope he can feel the same peace I have found through faith.  I hope he would let God comfort him as He has comforted me.  I like to think this is God’s will for him as well as me.  Those words were true.  I didn’t know, I do now, and I choose God and I hope he does, too.

Words are only words until you let God fill them with His will and His love and His comfort.  Don’t take the power of words for granted.  They will not return to you empty or cause anyone harm, but God will use them to bless you and whoever you say them to, and sometimes whoever says them to you.  And surrender.  Surrender your worries and contemplation to God.  The Bible has close to one million words that have been filled with His provision:  use them, for yourself and for everyone.  You never know the way He will return those words to you.

Happy 8-months, Lukey!