Thanks

Yesterday was Stacey's first "half birthday"!  Six months old already.  That marks two weeks more with Stacey than I got to spend with Luke.  Five months, fourteen days.  It's difficult not to draw these types of comparisons for a number of reasons - love, fear, grief, blessedness, joy, sadness, hurt, happiness.  I've realized one isn't there without the other.  It hurts to know that from this point on, these are all of the moments we missed with Luke.  But, conversely, we are so overjoyed that we get to experience each day given with Stacey.  It's hard to hold her, especially when she's sleeping, and not be taken back to the last times I held Luke, when I had to pick him up, not out of his crib but out of a cold coffin, into my arms.  I had to make myself.  I didn't want to remember him like that, but I also didn't want to not take the opportunity to show him my love one more time.  I knew that he wasn't there, and knew where he was, so I did it.  I remember willing God for a Lazarus-type miracle - waiting for him to miraculously wake up.  That didn't happen.  But in that gloomy, fluorescent-lit mortuary visiting room was one of the times I truly felt God's physical presence.  It was a culmination of those close and even not so close praying over us, and a gracious God coming to give us peace.  Jeremy and I both felt it.  It was what some people would call "closure", but more than that, it was God.  It was his presence.  It being the Easter, and then almost Pentecostal season, I find all the more joy in sharing this.  God never said "Believe, and nothing bad or tough will ever happen in your life."  His Word says, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10.  Jesus himself at the resurrection said "..And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." (Matthew 28:20) Not "sometimes".  Not "occasionally".  Not "when it's convenient".  Always.   

So, the question isn't "Where is God when I need Him?" Or, "Why didn't God help me?"  It should be, "How was/am I not seeing God and His grace in this situation?" And, "What am I missing? Not God, but me?"  He's here and was there - that we're assured of.  If I can't feel Him blessing me, in all situations, then I am the one who has the problem, not God.  

It's tough, nowadays, even letting Stacey sleep through the night, or letting myself sleep at night.  Every time I wake up in the night, I wake with panic and grab for my phone before checking on Stacey.  I unlock my phone, ready to call 911 when I find her as I found Luke.  I can breathe again when I reach in her crib, put my hand on her chest and feel her breathing, heart beating still.  And every time, I stand over her crib and say "Thank you, God!  Thank you for another moment with her."  I then go around to the other kids' and do the same thing.  Each time, I thank God for allowing me another day with each of them.  I suppose it's truly because I'm selfish and want them here with me to enjoy, but just like Luke I know I'd be with them again.  I know they'd be in good hands if they aren't in mine, but I appreciate God's provision of getting to experience love firsthand everyday still.  

This is how God's blessing me.  Always.  Every moment of everyday.  Children, husband, friends, family, home, freedom, heart of faith, our church home and family, health, ability to work, safe community.. I could go on and on.  All of the things we take for granted that others in the world aren't so blessed to have - water, electricity, grocery stores, phones, indoor plumbing and air conditioning!  God isn't complicated.  He doesn't have ulterior motives.  He simply loves us all.  He sent His son to die for us.  Wasn't that enough?  Absolutely!  But that doesn't stop Him from still pouring out His blessings on us all day long.  So all I have to say is "Thank you, God.  I am blessed."  What else do I need to say?

What Would Jesus Do?

A couple of weeks ago, Facebook brought to my attention that it had been one year since my first post.  I hate reading my own writing, but I decided to revisit the place where I was a year ago.  It feels like so much longer.  So much hurt and healing, pain and love, choice and change has happened in just one year.  I have been changed.  Wow!  I read and remember the overwhelming fear I had to write those words.  I was scared most to be judged by my own words and have them used against me – and that is exactly what happened this year by family and friends alike.  I’ve experienced some serious hurt over these words to be heaped onto my already grieving heart.  But, in that hurt, I have been blessed to explore even deeper depths of my faith and trust in God, and I’ve seen it change my life.  I no longer fear my own faith like I did a year ago.  I don’t worry if it would offend someone because there is nothing offensive about Jesus, and I can put all of my trust in that and live in peace with what I will experience in this world for His sake.  But that place of fear and worry was real for me, so this is for those who are where I was then.  This is for people who identify as Christians but want to “fit in” with a corrupt world and immoral society. 

Back in the 90’s when I was growing up, “WWJD” bracelets were popular.  I remember I didn’t really get it.  What would Jesus do?  Well, how would I know what he would do?  I remember a friend at school explaining that it was supposed to remind them right from wrong.  Truthfully, it isn’t any more complicated than that.  This concept is so simple for children to understand and as we get older, we try to manipulate our knowledge of what Jesus would do and not do.  We want to put Jesus in the corner while we live in the world and do what we would do.  We end up seeking and needing so much love and acceptance from the tangible things of the earth – be it people, objects, money, recognition – that we fear losing or not having them.  But these things are in direct contrast with what God wants for us.  He wants us to rely on Him, trust in Him, love Him wholly. 

Do not love the world or anything in the world.  If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.  For everything in the world – the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does – comes not from the Father but from the world.  The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever. 1 John 2:15-17

Then, and only then, can we experience and understand peace and joy without fear or worry on earth.  To believe in Jesus is to acknowledge His perfection and to strive to be like him in all ways and at all times – not just when it fits our own motives.  Even though we fail, the struggle brings us closer to Jesus as we see our need for a Savior and obtain a greater appreciation and reverence for what He did and continues to do for us.  If we are to believe at all, then for every situation, circumstance, or decision we should lead with: What would Jesus do?  As we ponder that answer, it’s important to not only see the Jesus on pop culture t-shirts with the caption “Jesus is my homeboy” (you know the one!).  If you need a “homeboy”, Jesus surely will be your best friend.  But, it’s equally important to remember how Jesus is coming back again - coming in glory to judge – so let’s be honest.  Yes, he loves us.  And, yes, we’re forgiven.  But can we take a minute to look at ourselves through his eyes? Isn’t it more than a little rude to manipulate or change his words and actions and even undermine the intent in his life and death on the cross?  If you believe in him enough to accept forgiveness of your sins and to expect he carry you home to Heaven, then why not trust his perspective on the “little” things?  Should I go to church every week and bring my children?  Should I make more time and put in more effort to study God’s word?  And for social and political issues: Should abortion – the killing of God-created life - be illegal?  Since it’s a huge election year: Is it important to vote for someone who shares the same religious views – someone who respects and knows Jesus as their Savior and is humble before God – above all other things?  You can’t know exactly what is in one’s heart, but you can get a pretty good idea from their words and actions, and this should be a good place to start.  I mean, if God is #1 in your life, does it matter if you elect a leader who isn’t willing to protect you and your children from suffering for His Name?  Does nothing else matter if your candidate has never and will never ask him/herself, “What would Jesus do?”  Additionally, should I have to compromise my relationship with God to maintain my relationships with the world?  Should I worry less about what others think and more about what Jesus thinks?  And, finally, should I be scared of others judging me, especially for my faith? 

I have read this plenty of times before, but now I truly get it!

Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.  For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it.  What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?  Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?  If anyone is ashamed of me and my words in this adulterous and sinful generation, the Son of Man will be ashamed of him when he comes in his Father’s glory with the holy angels.”  Mark 8:34-38

So, I will repeat, just like last year, I am still not perfect.  I haven’t been and won’t be, but unlike a year ago, I make no apologies.  I’m not sorry for what I believe.  I’m not sorry that by the grace of God what carries me through each day without Luke’s presence is that I’ll see him again.  I’m also not sorry for wanting and wishing that for others.  I won’t apologize for Jesus saving my life and wanting to share that with everyone around me.  I thought where I was a year ago I had peace with God but was still afraid.  Now I can see where I stand now - unapologetically, fearlessly, lovingly, confidently in love with Jesus.  Now I’ve found peace and joy and true happiness.  It’s taken me almost three decades to get to this place so consider yourself blessed if it didn’t take you that long.  But if you haven’t given your whole life over to living in the light, you are also blessed that Jesus loves you still, right where you are!  It’s just up to you how you’ll respond – with faith or with fear – but I know what Jesus would do!