Thanks

Yesterday was Stacey's first "half birthday"!  Six months old already.  That marks two weeks more with Stacey than I got to spend with Luke.  Five months, fourteen days.  It's difficult not to draw these types of comparisons for a number of reasons - love, fear, grief, blessedness, joy, sadness, hurt, happiness.  I've realized one isn't there without the other.  It hurts to know that from this point on, these are all of the moments we missed with Luke.  But, conversely, we are so overjoyed that we get to experience each day given with Stacey.  It's hard to hold her, especially when she's sleeping, and not be taken back to the last times I held Luke, when I had to pick him up, not out of his crib but out of a cold coffin, into my arms.  I had to make myself.  I didn't want to remember him like that, but I also didn't want to not take the opportunity to show him my love one more time.  I knew that he wasn't there, and knew where he was, so I did it.  I remember willing God for a Lazarus-type miracle - waiting for him to miraculously wake up.  That didn't happen.  But in that gloomy, fluorescent-lit mortuary visiting room was one of the times I truly felt God's physical presence.  It was a culmination of those close and even not so close praying over us, and a gracious God coming to give us peace.  Jeremy and I both felt it.  It was what some people would call "closure", but more than that, it was God.  It was his presence.  It being the Easter, and then almost Pentecostal season, I find all the more joy in sharing this.  God never said "Believe, and nothing bad or tough will ever happen in your life."  His Word says, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10.  Jesus himself at the resurrection said "..And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." (Matthew 28:20) Not "sometimes".  Not "occasionally".  Not "when it's convenient".  Always.   

So, the question isn't "Where is God when I need Him?" Or, "Why didn't God help me?"  It should be, "How was/am I not seeing God and His grace in this situation?" And, "What am I missing? Not God, but me?"  He's here and was there - that we're assured of.  If I can't feel Him blessing me, in all situations, then I am the one who has the problem, not God.  

It's tough, nowadays, even letting Stacey sleep through the night, or letting myself sleep at night.  Every time I wake up in the night, I wake with panic and grab for my phone before checking on Stacey.  I unlock my phone, ready to call 911 when I find her as I found Luke.  I can breathe again when I reach in her crib, put my hand on her chest and feel her breathing, heart beating still.  And every time, I stand over her crib and say "Thank you, God!  Thank you for another moment with her."  I then go around to the other kids' and do the same thing.  Each time, I thank God for allowing me another day with each of them.  I suppose it's truly because I'm selfish and want them here with me to enjoy, but just like Luke I know I'd be with them again.  I know they'd be in good hands if they aren't in mine, but I appreciate God's provision of getting to experience love firsthand everyday still.  

This is how God's blessing me.  Always.  Every moment of everyday.  Children, husband, friends, family, home, freedom, heart of faith, our church home and family, health, ability to work, safe community.. I could go on and on.  All of the things we take for granted that others in the world aren't so blessed to have - water, electricity, grocery stores, phones, indoor plumbing and air conditioning!  God isn't complicated.  He doesn't have ulterior motives.  He simply loves us all.  He sent His son to die for us.  Wasn't that enough?  Absolutely!  But that doesn't stop Him from still pouring out His blessings on us all day long.  So all I have to say is "Thank you, God.  I am blessed."  What else do I need to say?